Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad.
He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
Thursday, February 5, 2009
A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.
The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes.
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said,
"Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"
The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world."
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".
The woman replied,
"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world.And he will be ten times richer than you. "
The woman said,
"That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."
Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.
Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.
Male readers: Please scroll down.:
Scroll down .. A bit more..
Scroll down ... last time...
The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!
Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show
PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show that women never listen!!!
- Rajanikanth makes onions cry.
Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Rajanikanth’ PC will crash.
Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.
Rajanikanth can build a snowman….. out of rain.
Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.
Rajanikanth can drown a fish.
Rajanikanth can play the violin…… …with a piano.
When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,……… …. he turns the dark off.
Rajanikanth once had a heart attack…… ……… his heart lost.
When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.
The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.
Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
Rajanikanth’ calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.
If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn’t say, “Did you mean Rajanikanth?” It simply replies, “Run while you still have the chance.”
Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he’s telling you how many seconds you have left to live.
Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.
Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.
There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.
Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.
It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”.
In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.
Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.
Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.
Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.
With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.
The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.
Know > why?
> > He says mera to Airtel hai phir bhi Hutch ka network follow kar raha > hai.
> Sardarji went to party and introduced his family to his friends.
> > I am Sardar and this is sardarney, this is my kid and this is my
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days :
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days :
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called your weekly offs
Bereavement Leave :
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use :
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break :
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Saturday, January 31, 2009
If you are honest this tells the truth - it's pretty good.
Write your answers on a piece of paper.
The answers are at the bottom of this page.
1. Write the name of a person of the opposite sex.
2. Which is your favorite color out of red, black, blue, green, yellow?
3. Your first initial?
4. Your month of birth?
5. Which color do you like more, black or white?
6. Name of a person of the same sex as yours.
7. Your favorite number?
8. Do you like Sydney or Brisbane more?
9. Do you like a lake or the ocean more?
10. Write down a wish (a realistic one).
When you're done, scroll down. (Don't cheat)
1. You are completely in love with this person.
2. If you choose:
Red- You are alert and your life is full of love.
Black - you are conservative and aggressive.
Green - your soul is relaxed and you are laid back
Blue - you are spontaneous and love kisses and affection from the ones you love.
Yellow- you are a very happy person and give good advice to those who are down.
3. If your initial is:
A-K You have a lot of love and friendships in your life.
L-R You try to enjoy your life to the maximum and your love life is soon to blossom.
S-Z You like to help others and your future love life looks very good.
4. If you were born in:
Jan-Mar: The year will go very well for you and you will discover that you fall in love with someone totally unexpected.
April-June: You will have a strong love relationship that will not last long but the memories will last forever.
July-Sep: You will have a great year and will experience a major life-changing experience for the good.
Oct-Dec: Your love life will not be too great, but eventually you will find your soul mate.....
5. If you chose.....
Black: Your life will take on a different direction, it will seem hard at the time but will be the best thing for you, and you will be glad for the change.
White: You will have a friend who completely confides in you and would do anything for you, but you may not realize it.
6. This person is your best friend
7. This is how many close friends you have in your lifetime.
8. If you chose:
Sydney: You like adventure.
Brisbane: You are a laid back person.
9. If you chose:
Lake: You are loyal to your friends and your love and are very reserved.
Ocean: You are spontaneous and like to please people.
10. This wish will come true only if you send this to five people in one hour. Send it to ten people, and it will come true before your next birthday!
Friday, January 23, 2009
Newton - The Father of Physics committed suicide, you know why?Here are the reasons:
Once he came to India and He watched a few Tamil movies and had his head spinning. He was convinced that all his logics and laws in physics were just a huge pile of junk and apologized for everything he had done. In the movie of Rajanikanth, Newton was confused to such an extentthat he went paranoid. Here are a few scenes:
1) Rajanikanth has a Brain Tumor which, according to the doctors can't be cured and his death is imminent. In one of the fights, our greatRajanikanth is shot in the head. To everybody's surprise, the bulletpasses through his ears taking away the tumor along with it and he iscured. Long Live Rajanikanth!
2) In one of the movies, Rajanikanth is confronted with 3 gangsters.Rajanikanth has a gun but unfortunately only one bullet. Guess, whathe does....... He holds a knife in his hand and throws at the middle gangster & shoots the bullet towards the knife. The knife cuts thebullet into 2 pieces and kills both the gangsters on each side of themiddle gangster & the knife kills the middle one.
3) Rajanikanth is chased by a gangster. Rajanikanth has a revolver but he has no bullets in it. Guess what he does. Nah not even in yourremotest imaginations. He waits for the gangster to shoot. As soon asthe gangster shoots, Rajanikanth opens the bullet compartment of hisrevolver and catches the bullet. Then, he closes the bullet compartment and fires his gun. Bang... And the gangster dies....
This was too much for our Newton to take and he was completely shakenand he decided to go back. But he happened to see a movie for one lasttime! and thought that at least one movie will follow his theory ofphysics. The whole movie goes fine and Newton is happy that all in theworld hasn't changed.
Oops not so fast.
The Climax finally arrives.
Rajanikanth gets to know that the villain is on the other side of a very high wall. So high that Rajanikanthcan't jump even if he tries like one of those superman techniques thatour heroes normally use. Rajanikanth has to desperately kill the villain because its the climax. (Newton dada is smiling since it is virtually impossible). Rajanikanth suddenly pulls two guns from hispocket (Probably a backup). He throws one gun in the air and when the gun has reached the height of the wall, he shoots at the trigger ofthe first gun in air, with his second gun. Now the first gun fires off and the villain is dead.
Newton commits Suicide.
May his soul rest in peace.
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
In simple words, this movie wasn't so bad, it was watchable. People gave it scathing reviews and ended up comparing it with blockbusters from the past like sholay and seeta aur geeta and even kung fu panda. Oh come on, get a life. There have been hundreds and thousands of movies made that every movie seems like, is inspired by or is based on another movie anyway. Although this movie seemed like something Stephen Chow would do(see Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer). Actually I think he might have given justice to the movie and would have made it 10X better.
Akshay Kumar was alrite. He's already mastered being an idiot so nothing new, nothing exciting, Yawn.. moving on Mithun was a surprise, well not really but he had made a good impression on the movie. Deepika was the typical babe of the movie, women should seriously get good roles in Indian movies or just turn down these masala roles, but she did a way better job in this movie than in BAH or OSO. Ranvir delivered. People of the chinese place were a bit overplayed but i guess it was part of the script. The villain, Hojo(whatever the spelling) was okay, so-so. Officer Chang was really good though. I didn't expect any breakthrough performances from anyone anyway.
Cinematography was okay, the script was okay too, some dialogs fell short though like the "yahan mera kaccha fat raha hai, aur tumhe kuch aacha nahi lagra ha" (the writers were clearly on crack). Location was typical kung fu movie location. In short not that great but bearable.
For a country[India] that can't seem to get enough of Kung Fu(HBO in india plays kung fu movies all the time, its so nauseating), this movie got a really cold reception. I think the ff should take the blame:
1. Heavy promotion as a comedy flick, which doesn't really deliver.
2. Tried, tested and overused formula of a nobody becoming the hero at the end.
3. People are getting bored of seeing Akshay Kumar in the same role again n again.
4. People are getting bored of Akshay Kumar period.
5. The key comedy and action scenes were already shown in trailers. I had this same problem with Shrek 2, they had shown all the funny comedy scenes in the trailers that I couldn't enjoy them in the movie per se.
6. A very predictable storyline. Obviously this was a bummer. I mean its a Warner Bros project, you expect something huge, but this movie fell short.
7. Ghajini has left people more inclined to viscious-mind boggling action sequences.
8. The promos had raised the movie-goers expectations way higher than they should have.
9. The director. :D
To enjoy it fully I recommend you to try dodging all spoilers, reviews (scathing ones to be specific) and trailers. No expectations. It's not a no brainer, bring your brain with you but leave your i-have-an-opinion-about-everything-attitude at home or just wait for it to be shown on cable, that way you won't be disappointed...:D
Saturday, January 17, 2009
January 20 marks the day when US President George W. Bush ends his 8-year term. So let us commemorate his departure with the happy memories ummmmm funny memories rather that he's given us. Here are a couple of his hilarious verbal lapses...
1. "They misunderestimated me."
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000
2. "There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me - you can't get fooled again."
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002
> lol yeah dude you gotta brush up on your sayings or you'll make a fool of yourself, oops you already did...:P
3. "There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001
> lmfao, no comments
4. "The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise himself."
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003
5. "Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of a hat."
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004
> this is why i suggested you brush up on your sayings, mixing two sayings doesnt really make it more intense....
6. "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000
> :O are you?
7. "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.''
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001
> hmmmmn did you?
8. "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
Reuters, 5 May, 2000
9. "I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine Labour Secretary. From what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."
Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001
10. "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers. Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to kill."
Washington DC, 19 May, 2003
11. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004
> haha this is just retarded in so many levels
12. "Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005
> duh isnt illegal supposed to mean violating the law...
13. "I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who brings people together."
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000
14. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."
Washington DC, 5 August, 2004
> haha talk about confessing...
And the funniest...
"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war on terror."
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006
Saturday, January 10, 2009
One young man went for an IAS Interview."When did India get independence?" He was asked. "The efforts began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947" He replied."Who was responsible for our independence?""There were so many. Whom to mention? If I name one, it will be a injustice to another." He replied."Is corruption the number one enemy in our country?""Some research is going on the subject and I can answer with certainly only after seeing the report" He replied.The interview board was very pleased with his original and thoughtful answers and asked him not to reveal the questions to others, since they were planning to ask the same questions. When he went out naturally others were curious to know what was asked. He politely declined, but Santa would not leave him. "Ok, dont tell me the questions, but at least tell me the answers" he pleaded, and our friend obliged.Then it was the turn of this Santa. When he went inside, since his resume was slightly illegible, the board member asked him." By the way, what is your date of birth?"He replied, "The effort began a few years earlier and final result was in 1947."Somewhat puzzled, they asked another clarification. "What is your fathers name?"He replied, "There were so many. Whom to mention". If I name one, it will be injustice to another".The interviewer was incensed."Hey! Are you mad or what?"He replied. "Some research is going on the subject. I can answer with certainty only after seeing the report."